Please Don’t Read This

This post? Nonsense. You are gaining nothing by reading it. And honestly, I kind of don’t want to be writing it. But! I’m trying to slowly lean back into writing and naturally, there will be growing pains. I accept the fact that for a while things are gonna be weird. But yeah, don’t read this lol.

You know, there was a time when I had a constant drive to write. I spent all my spare time online, researching different writing styles and reading things that others had written, trying to hone my skills and grow as an artist. Now, it makes me cringe to even describe myself as an “artist”– yuck.

I’ve changed a lot over the last few years. Unfortunately, one of the changes is that my brain has been replaced with a single egg. No thoughts in there, baby, just dead air. And yet, here I am writing a blog post. And here you are, reading it. Can you relate at all to what I’m saying?

I miss being excited about writing. I miss having fun things to say. I miss the rush putting something out into the world and seeing how people react to it. Fortunately, I have found a few ways to channel my creativity. I’ve started posting my makeup looks on instagram. I like trying new makeup looks buutttt a part of me also feels like I’m being a needy little weirdo. Why do I need other people to see my face so badly? Why can’t I just do my makeup in peace and move on with my life, feeling the warm glow that only comes with a strong sense of self? I’m trying to tell that part of me to shut up. There’s nothing wrong with creating art–barf— and wanting it to be seen. It is a normal part of human life to want to be seen by others. I guess the problem is that as much as I want to be seen and understood, I also want to move away to the Appalachian mountains, never to be seen again. Maybe that’s also part of being human.

Also, me and my friend SoSo started a podcast together! It is called ‘Here, Take it!‘ and it is available wherever, I guess. It’s easier for me to understand the purpose of the pod– because it is collaborative I feel like it has more “weight” to it, if that makes sense. It feels like something that we’ve built together. I wish that I could give the same level of importance to things I do on my own as well! But!! What are you gonna do? It’s a process, and I’m working on becoming more confident in myself and my interests. It helps me to think of my life as something that I need to invest in. It’s important to care about yourself and want to nurture yourself and tend to yourself lovingly. Do I do that? Absolutely not but I’m trying!

I hope you’re well. This has been an absolutely horrid year for most of us. I hope that despite the weirdness you were able to try new things, put yourself out there and keep your heart open. If not, don’t stop trying. We’re all working on it.

Kiana.